Haven't written in so long.... just too much going on at once.  And I guess after my most recent miscarriage I just wasn't in the mood.

I had gotten a positive test on October 5th and miscarried five days later.  So of course that was incredibly difficult.  But that time I sort of saw it coming since I had been taking my temperature and I saw it drop quickly.  I had gotten the test result on a Friday and my OBGYN office had said to come in Monday.  They did a blood draw and tested my progesterone.  At that point I was 17 days past ovulation (DPO) and my HCG was only 13 (barely pregnant) and my progesterone was like less than 2.  She put me on a progesterone supplement right away but by the time it took to get the test back then get the prescription etc. it was three days later and I had already seen my temperature drop so I didn't have a good feeling about it.  Sure enough when my blood was drawn at 19 DPO the test showed HCG of 4 (under 5 is no longer considered pregnant) and they tested my thyroid level which was 3.74 and should have been a good deal lower.  I miscarried that night.

They referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) about a half hour away.  So I went to the required seminar to get the free consultation appt. etc.  In the meantime I figured we'd go ahead and try again (but not try tooo hard) because what did we have to lose anyway?  So the day of my appointment with the RE I got a positive pregnancy test again.  This was a month after the last one - November 5th.  They took blood and put me on progesterone right away.  This time it was a higher dose of progesterone and started much earlier - 12 DPO.  I am also taking baby aspirin once a day.  My first blood draw showed 29.6, second one at 14 DPO showed 50, and third which was just this past Fri at 16 DPO was 85.4.  It should be doubling every 2 - 3 days and according to the math I'm at 2.5 days.  So while the numbers still seems actually really low, they are for now doubling within the normal amount of time.  And the nurses are still saying everything is going normally - but since the numbers have started out so low they want me to have another blood draw tomorrow and probably Wednesday.  I will be so happy when I see some bigger jumps.

But for now I'm feeling cautiously very good.  This is the first time I've actually had the tests done and seen numbers going up.

Of course I made it all the way to 6w 1d before little bean stopped growing.  So I don't think I'll feel really relieved until I hear a heartbeat.  And even then I will probably be guarded until I'm out of the first trimester which is slated for right after the new year.  New Year's day is my favorite holiday so I hope this coming one is extra special.

Well.... that's my news for now.

Wow - it's been a bit of a crazy week.  My dad has been visiting.  That's been nice but also just difficult to have him stay a week.  But it's too far of a drive back and forth from Philly to make it a shorter trip.  He's had a great time with Simon and Simon keeps running around saying "I love Grandad" so I know he's had a great time too.

Oh, that's Simon's new thing, saying "Simon loves Mommy," or "I love Grandma," or etc.  It's very, very cute.

My appointment went really well on Tuesday.  As well as it could.  My HCG levels dropped to 5, so she told me CD 1 (cycle day 1) would be showing up any day now.  Which it did as of yesterday - YAY!  So that means things are moving along - after this cycle we can start trying again.  If nothing by December then I'll go back for another appointment and see if there are any kinds of intervention steps (like Clomid) we might want to look into or discuss.

I'm supposed to schedule an ultrasound for 8/1 to look at the cyst they found.  She wants to give it time to actually shrink.

And I guess that's pretty much it!  Just really happy to have things moving along.  I'll be MUCH more relieved when 1) the cyst turns out to be nothing and 2) everything goes back to normal with this cycle (as in length and that I ovulate again - sometimes after miscarriages a woman's cycle can get all whacked out and different).

Really no good on the weight front though.  The last week or so I've been binge eating.  I think there are a lot of reasons why but the main thing is not having had the time and consistency to get back into my workout routine.  Once my dad is gone next week I'm getting back to it.  I can't believe how much weight I have to lose.  It depresses me on a daily basis to even look at myself :(

Alright.... well.... off to try to destress some more.

It was a pretty good July 4th.  Got a walk in, some cleaning, some time playing with Simon, workout on the elliptical, some rest, some catching up on a little me time, and some family time.  So it was definitely a better holiday than I expected - because it was quite balanced really.  Very nice.  And I'm stuffed!

Now if only I didn't have to work tomorrow and had so much to get done in such a short amount of time!  My work life is usually not too hectic but this week with my one coworker being off and with having a day off when a deadline is ahead makes it a little tougher.

Found out my hormone levels made another good drop - from 250ish last week to 30!  So that's great to be closer to zero.  Next up: Cycle Day (CD) 1, OBGYN appointment on 7/10 and hopefully a clean bill of health regarding the cyst.

Been trying to get back into my "healthier living" pattern again. I can't believe all the weight I lost (okay only 7 lbs but still) - went right back on between when I found out about my miscarriage and now.  And all those healthy eating patterns I just threw out the window for a while.  Ugh.  Hate that.  But by getting back into the exercise I know I will be able to get back into the fewer/better calories habit.  It's like if I exercise then I can be like, well dang it I just exercised 300 calories away, do I really want to blow it on <insert particular craving>.  Got 50 lbs to go total.  And then I am going on a very, very big shopping spree.

I find that thinking and dreaming about the clothes I could wear again is a BIG motivator for me.  Here are some of my choices for what I will buy once I reach my final goal (130 lbs):

Ack this one appears to be unavailable now... but was one of the most inspiring!

Love the print and the neckline and the little scalloped edge at the bottom - the back neck line is a bit of a scoop.  

Anyway, the potential wardrobe again is a big motivator.  I used to sit there at work when craving snacks and keep one of these pics up on my phone for inspiration!  I should do that again.

Well, sadly, now that I actually have a few minutes to write I don't feel like I have much to say.

Except that on Monday I did break down a bit.  I just was in the car about to go to lunch and kept thinking about various aspects of everything.... and just cried and cried and cried for a good 15 minutes or so.  It helped to let some of that go.  

It's hard to go back to the mindset pre-miscarriage.  It can't be the same... it won't ... and shouldn't be the same... but there are some pieces I can pick up again.  And if I am so, SO fortunate enough to get pregnant again.... I have to choose to be joyful about it again.  I just have to.  Because I don't want to miss out on being happy about being pregnant again because of what might happen.  It will be very, very challenging... and I know part of me will always be worried.... but I really hope I get to have that joy again.  

Thanks for reading whoever's reading... 

I just realized that if everything goes absolutely perfectly - my cycle returns after only four - six weeks, I have regular ovulatory cycles again, we're cleared to start trying again basically right away, and I get pregnant the first cycle - I would be due in May.  The month I turn 40.  *huge sigh*  It's so hard not to get completely depressed about this fact.  I know many, many women have perfectly healthy babies in their early forties - but I'm just absolutely terrified now.  Well, it's not like this is new information, I was terrified before.... but now I will definitely be 40 or over if we are so lucky enough to conceive another child.  There are just so many risks that are so dramatically increased.  It scares me tremendously.  Anyway - this was a depressing realization today.

I feel like it's been forever since I've written in here.  I just have so many things I've been thinking and processing about all that's happened.  I've wanted to get it out of my head and written down for so long and I am finally sitting down to do it.

With my favorite beer, btw.  My first drink since getting my positive test.

Physically, recovery is going really well I think.  I only had bleeding for about a week - it's stopped now, I think.  I have had another couple blood draws.  I think I mentioned before that before the m/c (miscarriage) the level was 22,000.  A day after it went down to 3,000, and yesterday's draw was 276.  Once it reaches 0 my system should "reset" (I feel like a computer) - and that should bring on my first new cycle.  So I think I'm having good drops in my hormone levels - I'm happy about that.

As for the emotional recovery... it's going.  It's difficult.  But overall going okay I think.  I'm not denying any of my emotions about anything.  I'm just crying when I feel like crying when it happens.  I'm talking to my friends.  I'm keeping this blog.  I'm posting on forums.  I'm listening to podcasts.  Found a couple really informative ones, btw, here are the links from a very informative website on adoption and infertility, creatingafamily.org

Unexplained Miscarriage - 2009
Recurring Pregnancy Loss - 2010

I actually found them first on iTunes just by doing a search on "miscarriage" and the podcast came up.  But if you don't want to search through, you can listen directly at the links above. Although I am not at this time experiencing recurring losses, I thought it was really an interesting listen from a medically informative perspective.  And really would like to get a copy of the book they mention by Jon Cohen - Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage.

Anyway, definitely have noticed that now that the physical part is less of a concern my mind is wandering now to all the emotional parts.

Here are the broad level thoughts I've been thinking....

I haven't really cried that much about this loss yet.  I don't know if I will or not.  I feel a little confused about whether or not I'm just not facing emotions or if I just don't have a deep grief about it.  But I read and listen to others that have gone through a similar type of loss and I'm just not feeling the same level of grief that it seems like others have.  So I'm feeling a little like there must be something wrong with me or am I that "cold" of a person?  I don't think so because I am definitely not a cold person as far as I've ever been told!  So I've been thinking about this and really, really feel convinced that if I had actually seen a heartbeat - or seen anything distinguishable at all that I think I would be in a totally different place.  I actually don't feel like it was ever even a baby.  To me, the most that was seen was once out of the three ultrasounds that measured at 6w 1d.  Developmentally, I don't think that's even considered a fetus yet.  So I don't know the whys behind it and maybe it doesn't matter, but I don't feel like I'm grieving an actual baby.  Because it was never a baby to me.  It never got there.

But that's not to say I'm not feeling loss and grief on some level.  I most certainly am and as I said am just trying to let myself go through those emotions as they come up and not hold anything in.  And sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me because I don't seem to feel the level of grief that others seem to.  But then I think, no, I don't think I'm cold or insensitive - I just think I never connected with the pregnancy like it was my baby.  If I had seen a heartbeat it would be a whole different experience I think.  Or if this was more than this loss I think it would be different.  So here is where I am and I'm going to just accept where I am and go from there.

I'm definitely concerned about this cyst that they found.  I am hoping it's nothing at all since I know they are so common, but it's definitely something I'm concerned will hold up the TTC (trying to conceive) process.  There was something else I meant to write about this aspect and for the life of me I can't remember now...

But what I mostly want to write about is trying to listen to and be aware of what is happening around me and how things happened to try to get whatever "message" God might want to send me about whether or not we should try again.

And a few things have come to mind as I've thought about this and turned it over and tried to discern my intuition and instinct vs. just what I want (which is to try again).

One message that's come to mind a few times is, "Well just because you don't know what God's plan is, does that mean you're not going to try again?"  I mean if I am praying that I am hoping God's plan is to bless us with another healthy child, then if we don't try again then I'm not even giving Him the opportunity to fulfill that prayer.  But did I already give Him the opportunity?  Hmmm just thinking that last part now... but I don't know... there could be a million reasons I don't know that this is what happened.  So that's one thought I've been having.

Another thing is that I feel like the way my body has responded physically has been a really good sign.  I feel like my body did miscarry naturally and that feels like a big "sign" to me that my body is doing what it's supposed to do.  And that the way the timing worked out with everything - that it ended up happening on it's own the day before I was going to have surgery instead - I don't know, I just wonder if maybe that was God giving my body a "practice run" like I mentioned previously.  And the fact that my hormone levels are dropping as they are supposed to.  Those are all good physical signs so maybe that means something positive for the next time around.

So overall, I feel like right now we should try again.  We should give it another chance.  I don't know how many more chances, but one thing at a time.... at least one more chance.  So I really hope I am in the clear to try again ASAP.

Well, there has been much more that I wanted to get down but it's not coming to me now and I have to end this.

Oh that's right, that's one thing I was going to say about how it ended up happening naturally vs. the surgery. Turns out D & C causes a slightly elevated risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC situation.  So that's one reason I didn't want it also.  So that was another thing that I felt like well maybe that's a good sign that I should try again.... maybe the fact that I ended up not having to have the D & C means it's more likely I'll be able to have a VBAC next time.

Things happened so quickly and I haven't really had time or energy to update on what all happened.

I had the follow up ultrasound on Thursday and Friday found out that there was definitely no heartbeat.  In fact, she said that the report stated that they no longer saw what they had seen in the previous report.  So, this time there was no detection of even a fetal pole any longer.  The midwife explained it as the pregnancy could already be starting to break down.

It was terribly difficult news to hear, but I had known that it was the most likely scenario.  And I had been having cramps and starting to spot the tiniest amount, so the words she said were just confirming what I felt pretty certain to be true.  But I was still feeling the full weight of the news then since up until then there had still been this very, very small chance of hope.

She told me there might be a chance that I could have the D & C done that day.  I told her I wanted to call my husband to find out if it would even be possible for me to have it done that day.  When I called him and had to speak when he answered the phone... that's when I broke down more than I had at any other time.  I could barely speak the words, but I had to - I didn't want to speak the words.  I could feel myself forcing the words from my lips... I don't know how to describe it but it was really like trying to force my mouth to form the sounds to tell him.

After I muddled through the call to him we found out I couldn't have it that day anyway and it would be scheduled for Monday (today) afternoon.

The rest of Friday and Saturday I spent just generally depressed and talking to friends and family a lot.  Either that or lying in bed feeling badly and just waiting to see if anything would happen.

By Saturday evening I was officially starting to bleed and at some point earlier I had started to take 800 mg ibuprofen every six hours.  Even with that I was still in a good amount of pain.

Sunday morning I was having such terrible pain I knew there was no way I could even move and John was basically just getting me stuff all morning.  Water, iced tea, something to eat, heating up my "bed buddy" (a heating rice sock type thing).  Sunday morning progressed to heavier bleeding and just really, really intense cramping, then passing clots.  So, I knew that it was happening.  I don't think it was an emotionally difficult experience for me, probably for a number of reasons.

Big in my mind was that I knew I wasn't going to be able to distinguish an actual fetus.  As I mentioned before, I think it would have been a much more difficult experience emotionally if there had been more development than there was.

But also because I knew what was going to be happening.  I read everything I could about what to expect.  And spoke with others.  And asked the midwife a million questions.  I just knew it was all coming so I think that helped prepare me emotionally and mentally.

Physically it was extremely painful.  I couldn't believe how much pain I was in even with all that ibuprofen in my system.

Honestly, it may sound strange but I just kept thinking of it as a small, small inkling of what labor pains are like.  And I do remember the pain I felt in labor before I had the epidural with Simon at 7 cm.  And it was very, very close to being unbearable.  I was very close to calling the on call doctor and asking for some other prescription pain med to be called in.

But I kept thinking about it being like labor.  And I kept thinking of it like practice for when it (hopefully) happens again.  And I actually was really, really glad my body was doing this on its own.  Because I didn't want to go through surgery.  And I started to think that maybe this would be a good thing, a good sign that when/if I get pregnant again and go through labor that my body WILL respond on it's own and go into labor on its own.  Every time I felt the surge of intense pain I kept thinking, okay, well if you want to have a natural childbirth experience, this is a sliver of the pain that you will have to manage.  And when/if you go through this again, there will be a baby on the other side of it.  So all these thoughts were what was going through my head during the actual experience.

I think my processing the whole thing that way vs. some other way truly helped me emerge from this whole thing much stronger and in a much better place.

I need to end this for the moment as Simon is about to get up, but I have much more to write about what I feel like I learned from all of this.  And lots of questions that linger in my mind.

And it's going to take some time to heal that deep place in my heart that is still grieving behind all the other thoughts and physical portions of the experience.  I had to go to the grocery store today and there was a woman with her daughter who couldn't have been more than 9 months old.  She was absolutely precious and I had the worst time balancing my emotions of how much I just love seeing babies be so cute and happy and how incredibly, horribly sad I was that I felt like I lost my would-be daughter yesterday.  I smiled at her and made happy faces at her.  But all the time was trying to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  She was so cute, she smiled back at me and was obviously engaging with me while her mom put all the groceries on the belt.  I mentally sent her lots of love with all the smiles I could muster, but it was so, so hard not to just start bawling.  So I know it will be difficult to manage these emotions for a while.... but I am determined to allow the happiness take over the sorrow as much as possible... without denying my grief either.

Quick update

Process started naturally yesterday. Hoping I won't need the D&C today after all. Hopefully not at all. Need to call the dr. this morning and will find out. But I have had a lot of thoughts about all of this that I want to write about here. Just haven't been able to yet but will soon.