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Writing about secondary infertility & trying to conceive after multiple losses in Gaman (a Japanese term of Zen Buddhist origin which means "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity"). Also cooking, Phish, and parenting my beautiful little boy.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The day after I wrote the last post I tested negative.  Fifth loss started on 4/6.  I didn't have a good feeling about it.  My blood draw came back with very low, very early pregnancy numbers.  I knew it wasn't good when I heard them later that day.

It's just so hard to come back to this blog when nothing is happening other than we keep trying month after month.  Keep hoping.  Knowing that all the trying and hoping in the world might not make any difference at all.  It's a very long, emotional, difficult journey to go on and there are no promises at the end.  Wherever the end might be.

Well, I know the end.  I'm giving it until one more birthday.  So, May. Or one more later-ish loss.  Or maybe even if it was an early loss.  I don't know.  It's hard to tell day to day how much more I can go through.