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Writing about secondary infertility & trying to conceive after multiple losses in Gaman (a Japanese term of Zen Buddhist origin which means "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity"). Also cooking, Phish, and parenting my beautiful little boy.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The day after I wrote the last post I tested negative.  Fifth loss started on 4/6.  I didn't have a good feeling about it.  My blood draw came back with very low, very early pregnancy numbers.  I knew it wasn't good when I heard them later that day.

It's just so hard to come back to this blog when nothing is happening other than we keep trying month after month.  Keep hoping.  Knowing that all the trying and hoping in the world might not make any difference at all.  It's a very long, emotional, difficult journey to go on and there are no promises at the end.  Wherever the end might be.

Well, I know the end.  I'm giving it until one more birthday.  So, May. Or one more later-ish loss.  Or maybe even if it was an early loss.  I don't know.  It's hard to tell day to day how much more I can go through.

Monday, April 1, 2013

BFP #5

After much testing, the conclusion was my main reason for my miscarriages is egg quality.  I also likely have something called adenomyosis, but my OBGYN doesn't feel that is likely a contributing factor to my miscarriages since I gave birth to my son not too long ago.  I also have a MTHFR mutation but that's not something anyone is worried about since my homocysteine levels came back okay.  Final finding was a small area of calcification in the outer layer of my uterus.  This could restrict blood flow to the fetus if implantation tries to occur there.  But there's nothing to do to treat this and it doesn't appear to be a very large area.

So what I've been doing differently since is taking the progesterone supplements (400 mg/day) starting 2 days past my surge (once I've confirmed ovulation), started on Folgard (increase in folic acid and b vitamin just in case for the MTHFR mutation), DHEA (because some research has shown it can help with egg quality or the environment around the eggs), and baby aspirin (to help with any potential undetected clotting issues).

Two days ago I got a BFP.  This is number 5.  The line on the test was very, very, very light.  I've tested yesterday and this morning and both times have been just a hair darker so I would now call it very, very light.  I'm at 13DPO so I am definitely worried because I think it should be considerably darker at this point.  But I am just about to drive over to my RE's office so they can draw my blood and we can see where things stand.  Very, very nerve wracking.  It's been really hard to take my temps the last few days because I've either been sleep deprived or this morning woke up needing to pee so bad but knew I had to use that to take a new test with.  And I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep in order to have enough sleep to take my temp at the right time.... so I temped way early.... but my temps are dropping..... but I don't know if that's accurate now because of the sleep issues.  It's like I've had to choose either temp or test.  So I've chosen testing. 

Ugh.  I am DREADING another loss.  I just have this heavy, heavy scared feeling.  I hope I'm wrong.