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Writing about secondary infertility & trying to conceive after multiple losses in Gaman (a Japanese term of Zen Buddhist origin which means "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity"). Also cooking, Phish, and parenting my beautiful little boy.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Wow - it's been a bit of a crazy week.  My dad has been visiting.  That's been nice but also just difficult to have him stay a week.  But it's too far of a drive back and forth from Philly to make it a shorter trip.  He's had a great time with Simon and Simon keeps running around saying "I love Grandad" so I know he's had a great time too.

Oh, that's Simon's new thing, saying "Simon loves Mommy," or "I love Grandma," or etc.  It's very, very cute.

My appointment went really well on Tuesday.  As well as it could.  My HCG levels dropped to 5, so she told me CD 1 (cycle day 1) would be showing up any day now.  Which it did as of yesterday - YAY!  So that means things are moving along - after this cycle we can start trying again.  If nothing by December then I'll go back for another appointment and see if there are any kinds of intervention steps (like Clomid) we might want to look into or discuss.

I'm supposed to schedule an ultrasound for 8/1 to look at the cyst they found.  She wants to give it time to actually shrink.

And I guess that's pretty much it!  Just really happy to have things moving along.  I'll be MUCH more relieved when 1) the cyst turns out to be nothing and 2) everything goes back to normal with this cycle (as in length and that I ovulate again - sometimes after miscarriages a woman's cycle can get all whacked out and different).

Really no good on the weight front though.  The last week or so I've been binge eating.  I think there are a lot of reasons why but the main thing is not having had the time and consistency to get back into my workout routine.  Once my dad is gone next week I'm getting back to it.  I can't believe how much weight I have to lose.  It depresses me on a daily basis to even look at myself :(

Alright.... well.... off to try to destress some more.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

It was a pretty good July 4th.  Got a walk in, some cleaning, some time playing with Simon, workout on the elliptical, some rest, some catching up on a little me time, and some family time.  So it was definitely a better holiday than I expected - because it was quite balanced really.  Very nice.  And I'm stuffed!

Now if only I didn't have to work tomorrow and had so much to get done in such a short amount of time!  My work life is usually not too hectic but this week with my one coworker being off and with having a day off when a deadline is ahead makes it a little tougher.

Found out my hormone levels made another good drop - from 250ish last week to 30!  So that's great to be closer to zero.  Next up: Cycle Day (CD) 1, OBGYN appointment on 7/10 and hopefully a clean bill of health regarding the cyst.

Been trying to get back into my "healthier living" pattern again. I can't believe all the weight I lost (okay only 7 lbs but still) - went right back on between when I found out about my miscarriage and now.  And all those healthy eating patterns I just threw out the window for a while.  Ugh.  Hate that.  But by getting back into the exercise I know I will be able to get back into the fewer/better calories habit.  It's like if I exercise then I can be like, well dang it I just exercised 300 calories away, do I really want to blow it on <insert particular craving>.  Got 50 lbs to go total.  And then I am going on a very, very big shopping spree.

I find that thinking and dreaming about the clothes I could wear again is a BIG motivator for me.  Here are some of my choices for what I will buy once I reach my final goal (130 lbs):

Ack this one appears to be unavailable now... but was one of the most inspiring!

Love the print and the neckline and the little scalloped edge at the bottom - the back neck line is a bit of a scoop.  

Anyway, the potential wardrobe again is a big motivator.  I used to sit there at work when craving snacks and keep one of these pics up on my phone for inspiration!  I should do that again.

Well, sadly, now that I actually have a few minutes to write I don't feel like I have much to say.

Except that on Monday I did break down a bit.  I just was in the car about to go to lunch and kept thinking about various aspects of everything.... and just cried and cried and cried for a good 15 minutes or so.  It helped to let some of that go.  

It's hard to go back to the mindset pre-miscarriage.  It can't be the same... it won't ... and shouldn't be the same... but there are some pieces I can pick up again.  And if I am so, SO fortunate enough to get pregnant again.... I have to choose to be joyful about it again.  I just have to.  Because I don't want to miss out on being happy about being pregnant again because of what might happen.  It will be very, very challenging... and I know part of me will always be worried.... but I really hope I get to have that joy again.  

Thanks for reading whoever's reading...