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Writing about secondary infertility & trying to conceive after multiple losses in Gaman (a Japanese term of Zen Buddhist origin which means "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity"). Also cooking, Phish, and parenting my beautiful little boy.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Finally ready to add a new post

It is so hard to look back on my last entry.

That pregnancy also ended in loss.  We discovered at my first ultrasound that he couldn't see a fetal pole.  It was devastating.  I can in no way find the words to express my grief over all of these losses.  All I feel like I can do is just keep moving through it.

So I will be going through a whole series of tests to determine if there's a reason for the repeated losses or if it's just bad luck.  I am scared to death and don't trust my RE.  Nothing personal to him, I just don't think I trust any of them. But if I want to know if something is wrong I have to trust someone.

So that's the latest and all I can really bring myself to write for now.  It's like I only want to write when there's good news.  And there is none in sight right now.  Just that this year is finally coming to an end.  Good riddance.  Hopefully 2013 will be much better.