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Writing about secondary infertility & trying to conceive after multiple losses in Gaman (a Japanese term of Zen Buddhist origin which means "enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity"). Also cooking, Phish, and parenting my beautiful little boy.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The day after I wrote the last post I tested negative.  Fifth loss started on 4/6.  I didn't have a good feeling about it.  My blood draw came back with very low, very early pregnancy numbers.  I knew it wasn't good when I heard them later that day.

It's just so hard to come back to this blog when nothing is happening other than we keep trying month after month.  Keep hoping.  Knowing that all the trying and hoping in the world might not make any difference at all.  It's a very long, emotional, difficult journey to go on and there are no promises at the end.  Wherever the end might be.

Well, I know the end.  I'm giving it until one more birthday.  So, May. Or one more later-ish loss.  Or maybe even if it was an early loss.  I don't know.  It's hard to tell day to day how much more I can go through.

Monday, April 1, 2013

BFP #5

After much testing, the conclusion was my main reason for my miscarriages is egg quality.  I also likely have something called adenomyosis, but my OBGYN doesn't feel that is likely a contributing factor to my miscarriages since I gave birth to my son not too long ago.  I also have a MTHFR mutation but that's not something anyone is worried about since my homocysteine levels came back okay.  Final finding was a small area of calcification in the outer layer of my uterus.  This could restrict blood flow to the fetus if implantation tries to occur there.  But there's nothing to do to treat this and it doesn't appear to be a very large area.

So what I've been doing differently since is taking the progesterone supplements (400 mg/day) starting 2 days past my surge (once I've confirmed ovulation), started on Folgard (increase in folic acid and b vitamin just in case for the MTHFR mutation), DHEA (because some research has shown it can help with egg quality or the environment around the eggs), and baby aspirin (to help with any potential undetected clotting issues).

Two days ago I got a BFP.  This is number 5.  The line on the test was very, very, very light.  I've tested yesterday and this morning and both times have been just a hair darker so I would now call it very, very light.  I'm at 13DPO so I am definitely worried because I think it should be considerably darker at this point.  But I am just about to drive over to my RE's office so they can draw my blood and we can see where things stand.  Very, very nerve wracking.  It's been really hard to take my temps the last few days because I've either been sleep deprived or this morning woke up needing to pee so bad but knew I had to use that to take a new test with.  And I knew I wouldn't get back to sleep in order to have enough sleep to take my temp at the right time.... so I temped way early.... but my temps are dropping..... but I don't know if that's accurate now because of the sleep issues.  It's like I've had to choose either temp or test.  So I've chosen testing. 

Ugh.  I am DREADING another loss.  I just have this heavy, heavy scared feeling.  I hope I'm wrong.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Finally ready to add a new post

It is so hard to look back on my last entry.

That pregnancy also ended in loss.  We discovered at my first ultrasound that he couldn't see a fetal pole.  It was devastating.  I can in no way find the words to express my grief over all of these losses.  All I feel like I can do is just keep moving through it.

So I will be going through a whole series of tests to determine if there's a reason for the repeated losses or if it's just bad luck.  I am scared to death and don't trust my RE.  Nothing personal to him, I just don't think I trust any of them. But if I want to know if something is wrong I have to trust someone.

So that's the latest and all I can really bring myself to write for now.  It's like I only want to write when there's good news.  And there is none in sight right now.  Just that this year is finally coming to an end.  Good riddance.  Hopefully 2013 will be much better.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Haven't written in so long.... just too much going on at once.  And I guess after my most recent miscarriage I just wasn't in the mood.

I had gotten a positive test on October 5th and miscarried five days later.  So of course that was incredibly difficult.  But that time I sort of saw it coming since I had been taking my temperature and I saw it drop quickly.  I had gotten the test result on a Friday and my OBGYN office had said to come in Monday.  They did a blood draw and tested my progesterone.  At that point I was 17 days past ovulation (DPO) and my HCG was only 13 (barely pregnant) and my progesterone was like less than 2.  She put me on a progesterone supplement right away but by the time it took to get the test back then get the prescription etc. it was three days later and I had already seen my temperature drop so I didn't have a good feeling about it.  Sure enough when my blood was drawn at 19 DPO the test showed HCG of 4 (under 5 is no longer considered pregnant) and they tested my thyroid level which was 3.74 and should have been a good deal lower.  I miscarried that night.

They referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) about a half hour away.  So I went to the required seminar to get the free consultation appt. etc.  In the meantime I figured we'd go ahead and try again (but not try tooo hard) because what did we have to lose anyway?  So the day of my appointment with the RE I got a positive pregnancy test again.  This was a month after the last one - November 5th.  They took blood and put me on progesterone right away.  This time it was a higher dose of progesterone and started much earlier - 12 DPO.  I am also taking baby aspirin once a day.  My first blood draw showed 29.6, second one at 14 DPO showed 50, and third which was just this past Fri at 16 DPO was 85.4.  It should be doubling every 2 - 3 days and according to the math I'm at 2.5 days.  So while the numbers still seems actually really low, they are for now doubling within the normal amount of time.  And the nurses are still saying everything is going normally - but since the numbers have started out so low they want me to have another blood draw tomorrow and probably Wednesday.  I will be so happy when I see some bigger jumps.

But for now I'm feeling cautiously very good.  This is the first time I've actually had the tests done and seen numbers going up.

Of course I made it all the way to 6w 1d before little bean stopped growing.  So I don't think I'll feel really relieved until I hear a heartbeat.  And even then I will probably be guarded until I'm out of the first trimester which is slated for right after the new year.  New Year's day is my favorite holiday so I hope this coming one is extra special.

Well.... that's my news for now.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Wow - it's been a bit of a crazy week.  My dad has been visiting.  That's been nice but also just difficult to have him stay a week.  But it's too far of a drive back and forth from Philly to make it a shorter trip.  He's had a great time with Simon and Simon keeps running around saying "I love Grandad" so I know he's had a great time too.

Oh, that's Simon's new thing, saying "Simon loves Mommy," or "I love Grandma," or etc.  It's very, very cute.

My appointment went really well on Tuesday.  As well as it could.  My HCG levels dropped to 5, so she told me CD 1 (cycle day 1) would be showing up any day now.  Which it did as of yesterday - YAY!  So that means things are moving along - after this cycle we can start trying again.  If nothing by December then I'll go back for another appointment and see if there are any kinds of intervention steps (like Clomid) we might want to look into or discuss.

I'm supposed to schedule an ultrasound for 8/1 to look at the cyst they found.  She wants to give it time to actually shrink.

And I guess that's pretty much it!  Just really happy to have things moving along.  I'll be MUCH more relieved when 1) the cyst turns out to be nothing and 2) everything goes back to normal with this cycle (as in length and that I ovulate again - sometimes after miscarriages a woman's cycle can get all whacked out and different).

Really no good on the weight front though.  The last week or so I've been binge eating.  I think there are a lot of reasons why but the main thing is not having had the time and consistency to get back into my workout routine.  Once my dad is gone next week I'm getting back to it.  I can't believe how much weight I have to lose.  It depresses me on a daily basis to even look at myself :(

Alright.... well.... off to try to destress some more.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

It was a pretty good July 4th.  Got a walk in, some cleaning, some time playing with Simon, workout on the elliptical, some rest, some catching up on a little me time, and some family time.  So it was definitely a better holiday than I expected - because it was quite balanced really.  Very nice.  And I'm stuffed!

Now if only I didn't have to work tomorrow and had so much to get done in such a short amount of time!  My work life is usually not too hectic but this week with my one coworker being off and with having a day off when a deadline is ahead makes it a little tougher.

Found out my hormone levels made another good drop - from 250ish last week to 30!  So that's great to be closer to zero.  Next up: Cycle Day (CD) 1, OBGYN appointment on 7/10 and hopefully a clean bill of health regarding the cyst.

Been trying to get back into my "healthier living" pattern again. I can't believe all the weight I lost (okay only 7 lbs but still) - went right back on between when I found out about my miscarriage and now.  And all those healthy eating patterns I just threw out the window for a while.  Ugh.  Hate that.  But by getting back into the exercise I know I will be able to get back into the fewer/better calories habit.  It's like if I exercise then I can be like, well dang it I just exercised 300 calories away, do I really want to blow it on <insert particular craving>.  Got 50 lbs to go total.  And then I am going on a very, very big shopping spree.

I find that thinking and dreaming about the clothes I could wear again is a BIG motivator for me.  Here are some of my choices for what I will buy once I reach my final goal (130 lbs):

Ack this one appears to be unavailable now... but was one of the most inspiring!

Love the print and the neckline and the little scalloped edge at the bottom - the back neck line is a bit of a scoop.  

Anyway, the potential wardrobe again is a big motivator.  I used to sit there at work when craving snacks and keep one of these pics up on my phone for inspiration!  I should do that again.

Well, sadly, now that I actually have a few minutes to write I don't feel like I have much to say.

Except that on Monday I did break down a bit.  I just was in the car about to go to lunch and kept thinking about various aspects of everything.... and just cried and cried and cried for a good 15 minutes or so.  It helped to let some of that go.  

It's hard to go back to the mindset pre-miscarriage.  It can't be the same... it won't ... and shouldn't be the same... but there are some pieces I can pick up again.  And if I am so, SO fortunate enough to get pregnant again.... I have to choose to be joyful about it again.  I just have to.  Because I don't want to miss out on being happy about being pregnant again because of what might happen.  It will be very, very challenging... and I know part of me will always be worried.... but I really hope I get to have that joy again.  

Thanks for reading whoever's reading...