I feel like it's been forever since I've written in here.  I just have so many things I've been thinking and processing about all that's happened.  I've wanted to get it out of my head and written down for so long and I am finally sitting down to do it.

With my favorite beer, btw.  My first drink since getting my positive test.

Physically, recovery is going really well I think.  I only had bleeding for about a week - it's stopped now, I think.  I have had another couple blood draws.  I think I mentioned before that before the m/c (miscarriage) the level was 22,000.  A day after it went down to 3,000, and yesterday's draw was 276.  Once it reaches 0 my system should "reset" (I feel like a computer) - and that should bring on my first new cycle.  So I think I'm having good drops in my hormone levels - I'm happy about that.

As for the emotional recovery... it's going.  It's difficult.  But overall going okay I think.  I'm not denying any of my emotions about anything.  I'm just crying when I feel like crying when it happens.  I'm talking to my friends.  I'm keeping this blog.  I'm posting on forums.  I'm listening to podcasts.  Found a couple really informative ones, btw, here are the links from a very informative website on adoption and infertility, creatingafamily.org

Unexplained Miscarriage - 2009
Recurring Pregnancy Loss - 2010

I actually found them first on iTunes just by doing a search on "miscarriage" and the podcast came up.  But if you don't want to search through, you can listen directly at the links above. Although I am not at this time experiencing recurring losses, I thought it was really an interesting listen from a medically informative perspective.  And really would like to get a copy of the book they mention by Jon Cohen - Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage.

Anyway, definitely have noticed that now that the physical part is less of a concern my mind is wandering now to all the emotional parts.

Here are the broad level thoughts I've been thinking....

I haven't really cried that much about this loss yet.  I don't know if I will or not.  I feel a little confused about whether or not I'm just not facing emotions or if I just don't have a deep grief about it.  But I read and listen to others that have gone through a similar type of loss and I'm just not feeling the same level of grief that it seems like others have.  So I'm feeling a little like there must be something wrong with me or am I that "cold" of a person?  I don't think so because I am definitely not a cold person as far as I've ever been told!  So I've been thinking about this and really, really feel convinced that if I had actually seen a heartbeat - or seen anything distinguishable at all that I think I would be in a totally different place.  I actually don't feel like it was ever even a baby.  To me, the most that was seen was once out of the three ultrasounds that measured at 6w 1d.  Developmentally, I don't think that's even considered a fetus yet.  So I don't know the whys behind it and maybe it doesn't matter, but I don't feel like I'm grieving an actual baby.  Because it was never a baby to me.  It never got there.

But that's not to say I'm not feeling loss and grief on some level.  I most certainly am and as I said am just trying to let myself go through those emotions as they come up and not hold anything in.  And sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me because I don't seem to feel the level of grief that others seem to.  But then I think, no, I don't think I'm cold or insensitive - I just think I never connected with the pregnancy like it was my baby.  If I had seen a heartbeat it would be a whole different experience I think.  Or if this was more than this loss I think it would be different.  So here is where I am and I'm going to just accept where I am and go from there.

I'm definitely concerned about this cyst that they found.  I am hoping it's nothing at all since I know they are so common, but it's definitely something I'm concerned will hold up the TTC (trying to conceive) process.  There was something else I meant to write about this aspect and for the life of me I can't remember now...

But what I mostly want to write about is trying to listen to and be aware of what is happening around me and how things happened to try to get whatever "message" God might want to send me about whether or not we should try again.

And a few things have come to mind as I've thought about this and turned it over and tried to discern my intuition and instinct vs. just what I want (which is to try again).

One message that's come to mind a few times is, "Well just because you don't know what God's plan is, does that mean you're not going to try again?"  I mean if I am praying that I am hoping God's plan is to bless us with another healthy child, then if we don't try again then I'm not even giving Him the opportunity to fulfill that prayer.  But did I already give Him the opportunity?  Hmmm just thinking that last part now... but I don't know... there could be a million reasons I don't know that this is what happened.  So that's one thought I've been having.

Another thing is that I feel like the way my body has responded physically has been a really good sign.  I feel like my body did miscarry naturally and that feels like a big "sign" to me that my body is doing what it's supposed to do.  And that the way the timing worked out with everything - that it ended up happening on it's own the day before I was going to have surgery instead - I don't know, I just wonder if maybe that was God giving my body a "practice run" like I mentioned previously.  And the fact that my hormone levels are dropping as they are supposed to.  Those are all good physical signs so maybe that means something positive for the next time around.

So overall, I feel like right now we should try again.  We should give it another chance.  I don't know how many more chances, but one thing at a time.... at least one more chance.  So I really hope I am in the clear to try again ASAP.

Well, there has been much more that I wanted to get down but it's not coming to me now and I have to end this.

Oh that's right, that's one thing I was going to say about how it ended up happening naturally vs. the surgery. Turns out D & C causes a slightly elevated risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC situation.  So that's one reason I didn't want it also.  So that was another thing that I felt like well maybe that's a good sign that I should try again.... maybe the fact that I ended up not having to have the D & C means it's more likely I'll be able to have a VBAC next time.