First post

I'm starting this blog to document whatever journey lies ahead for me.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child since December, 2011.  I have had two positive pregnancy tests since then.

The first was positive on February 5, 2012 but five days later I started bleeding.  This was most likely a chemical pregnancy.  I only took one test so I guess there's a chance it could have been a bad test.  A few people in my life think that but I am not one of them.  Just the way pregnancy tests work - they detect the presence of a certain hormone that's there only if conception has occurred.  So, I believe what happened was that it just didn't go very far at all, not even to the embryo stage.

The second positive test I received May 4, 2012.  On June 7th we had our appointment to see baby's heartbeat.  But it was discovered I had a blighted ovum.  The gestational sac measured at 5 1/2 weeks.  This means that the pregnancy started but nothing was in the gestational sac.  No embryo developed fully enough to even be able to pick up anything on two ultrasounds.

So as of today I am waiting for blood work to confirm that this is not a viable pregnancy vs. the very, very extremely remote chance I just am truly only 5 1/2 weeks along which is truly impossible considering when I got the positive test result.  I will have blood drawn Monday morning, 6/11 and an appointment with my midwife 6/12 to discuss the way forward.  I expect I am going to need to decide whether or not I want to have a D & C procedure where they surgically clean out my uterus.  Or whether or not I want to wait to see if I miscarry naturally.  I have no idea at this point which I'm going to do.  I guess I feel like I still need to hold out on deciding anything until the final blood work comes back.  Which is just an awful feeling.

But strangely, I think the fact that there was nothing there, no development at all, kind of puts me in a better place mentally.  I don't feel like there's a dead baby inside of me like I would if I was actually further along.  I just feel like the cells never even developed into a baby.  So that sort of makes it easier mentally for me I think. But I am so incredibly heartbroken I can't even put it into words.

I don't even have time to put it into words really.

I'm just busy taking care of Simon and trying to carry on with life as normal.

But all weekend and all the way until I decide for sure what I want to happen I am feeling like I am in this waiting mode.  Every cramp that before turned out to be gas I now think, "Okay, is it going to happen soon?  Does this mean I'm going to experience the miscarriage now?"  I just don't know what my body is going to do. And I'm starting to wonder that if I haven't even had a bit of spotting at any time until now - when it's been so long that nothing has been growing - then  maybe my body won't miscarry naturally on it's own and maybe there's really no choice in the matter.

They also found a cyst on my ovary.  We are getting the pregnancy issues resolved first and then going to look into what, if anything, needs to be done regarding this cyst.  I guess I'm not overly worried because they are SO common.  But I'd be a lot less worried if there weren't such a strong history of cancer in my family.

One thing at a time.

Oh, the reason I called this the Milly Grace Gazette is because milliegrace used to be my anonymous screen name for lots of things for a long time.  It just had a better ring to it than anything with anitaflora.

Look forward to trying to keep up with this.

Look forward to hopefully one day writing about the pregnancy and journey of Simon's future brother or sister.  I really, really hope and pray God will bless us with another precious little one in our lives.  We are SO incredibly lucky to have such an amazing son, and if that's the only child God has in the plans for us, I still consider myself just about the luckiest mom in the world.  I know every mom feels that way though.  But I still will pray and hope that He might let us have one more to complete our family.